


I’m Not Myself Lately

by faithinthepoor



Series: Glee [5]
Category: Glee
Genre: F/F, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-16
Updated: 2013-01-16
Packaged: 2017-11-25 16:31:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/640884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/faithinthepoor/pseuds/faithinthepoor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set during Hairography</p>
            </blockquote>





	I’m Not Myself Lately

**Author's Note:**

> In my series this follows [I’m Not That Girl](http://archiveofourown.org/works/640810), [It Sucks to be Me](http://archiveofourown.org/works/640836), [Kiss Me Goodbye](http://archiveofourown.org/works/640850) and [We All Have Sorrow](http://archiveofourown.org/works/640862)

She is like the anti-Midas, everything she touches turns to shit. Well maybe not exactly the anti-Midas, things didn’t work out great for him either but at least gold smells a whole lot better than faeces, but if Midas wanted to get together and compare insults and injuries she would totally take him. She has been working hard to pull herself out of the quagmire of excrement but everything she does just seems to drag her deeper into the shit. 

Her desperation is becoming laughable. She managed to reach a point where she tried to pair her boyfriend off with the girl she wants to be with herself. Somehow she was willing to throw away two people that she cares about in order to be with Puck. She can’t really afford to think with her heart anymore and to make pragmatic choices. Her nest needs protection and she knows that while Finn is a good guy and Rachel makes her heart race neither of them will ever be candidates for father of the year. She’s not really clear how she thought Puck could possibly be a viable partner to raise her child with but she was running out of options.

None of that matters anymore. She won’t be keeping her baby. Her hunt for a baby daddy has not been entirely fruitless she has learnt many important things. She knows that Finn’s head can be turned by a push-up bra and a pair of pumps. The thing that hurts most is not learning that his commitment to her isn’t rock solid but rather discovering that he could be attracted to Rachel because of a change in her appearance. It’s not so much that he is superficial, his brain isn’t designed for deep pondering, but rather that if he wanted he could be with Rachel and yet he hasn’t even bothered to notice her inner beauty. He doesn’t deserve Rachel. Speaking of Rachel, Quinn has learnt that she is equally attracted to her in a pantsuit and a little black dress. She is having a hard time deciding which outfit she would rip off quicker. The former is an abomination that she doesn’t want to have to look at but the latter makes her heat up in ways that make it hard to walk - either way the thing that she is interested in is the girl underneath. 

The final lesson that her ill conceived distraction plan taught her is the most painful one of all. She can live with learning that Puck is a horny arsehole who cares more about getting his dick wet than he does about her. She can even live with learning that she can’t form a family unit with him, although it means that she will be living a long, tortured, childless life. What she is finding hard to live with is him failing to acknowledge that she has slept with him twice. She destroyed a piece of her soul when she willingly went and fucked him and he has the hide to pretend that it didn’t happen. Quinn would give anything to be able to pretend that it didn’t happen but it is tattooed into her memory and she will never be able to forgive herself for it. 

She knows it’s crazy to have been thinking of making a life with a person whom she can’t stand touching but she was willing to lie back and sacrifice her self-respect in order to give her child a future. Everything she has been doing lately is crazy and it only seems to be making things worse for her which is how she finds herself bawling her eyes out in a toilet cubicle after Puck verbally stabbed her in the chest.

It takes longer than she would like to get her emotions under control and even longer to be convinced that the bathroom is empty and that it is safe for her to emerge. She has no make-up with her and as she opens the door she is busy contemplating how to make the dash to her locker for emergency reinforcements without being seen. Her level of preoccupation is such that it takes her a few seconds to notice that Rachel Berry is sitting on the counter making no attempt to hide the fact that she is looking at her.

“What do you think you’re looking at Lilith Fair?” she doesn’t want to hurt Rachel but when in doubt she has to stick to what she does best.

“Waiting to see if you are ok.”

“Nobody asked you to.”

“I know, I just thought that now that we know that we have desperation in common that we were sort of friends,” Rachel has a look in her eyes as if she’s been told the Tooth Fairy isn’t real. Although to be honest Quinn’s not even sure if the Jews have a Tooth Fairy. She makes a note to herself to ask a Jew when she’s not busy hating the two that she knows.

“I bet you can’t wait to be running off to tell everyone how you saw Quinn Fabray without makeup on.”

“Quinn do you think that people don’t recognise that you are human?”

“Not in a good way,” she mutters.

“It’s ok to cry you know.”

“And I’m sure you’ll tell the entire student body about it later.”

“Quinn I might be annoyed that hearing you snivelling put me off my own crying jag but that doesn’t mean I am going to tell people about it. I’m not like that.”

“The inference being that I am?”

“Sort of,” Rachel admits.

God how she hates how open and honest Rachel is, “What did you come in here to cry about?” She is surprised by how much she cares about the answer to that question.

“Nothing much. I pretty much have a cubicle booked for a cry on a daily basis.”

“High school is hard?”

“Life is hard,” comes the solemn reply.

“Mine didn’t used to be.”

“So was this a hormone related outpour or is there an acute issue?” Rachel gestures towards the now empty toilet.

She wants to tell Rachel everything but she is not brave enough. Besides if Rachel knew the truth would hate her. Still it would be nice to give Rachel something, “I don’t think I can keep my baby.”

“Do you want to?”

“I honestly don’t know.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“Not really.”

“Fair enough. For what it’s worth I think you’d be a good mother.”

She knows that Rachel is just trying to be nice but her words prompt a new flood of tears, “I’m so sorry. You shouldn’t have to see me like this.”

“Don’t be silly. You are allowed to cry.”

“No I’m not. I should be stronger than this.”

“Come here,” Rachel stretches her arm out towards her and against all reason she goes over there and allows Rachel to help her up onto the counter. She finds herself balancing over a sink as Rachel shuffles down for her, “here this might give you more room.”

“Are you trying to tell me that my butt is big?”

Rachel blushes, “I really don’t go around thinking about your bottom. I just thought that your centre of gravity may have changed and it might be difficult to balance.”

She feels put in her place both by Rachel being thoughtful and by coming to the realisation that she thinks about Rachel’s butt an awful lot. “I have excellent balance. I could still rock the top of a pyramid.”

“Do you miss it?”

“Some days.”

“I don’t know how I’d cope if someone took singing away from me.”

“I won’t be pregnant forever.”

“Hopefully not for a while after this time.”

“I’m not planning on being pregnant ever again.”

“You do know that you can’t buy back your Celibacy Club reputation don’t you?”

“It’s not about that. I don’t really care whether people see me as the Virgin Mary or the Whore of Babylon,” she sounds so convincing that she almost believes her own propaganda, “I just don’t see how I can have another child if I give her away.”

Rachel looks like she’s trying to think of something sensitive to say, “I heard you’re living at Finn’s. I take you your parents didn’t take the news well.” If that’s Rachel’s version of sensitive it needs work.

“You could say that.”

“That really is unacceptable.”

“I don’t have much choice but to accept it.”

“If you ever need anyone to talk to I’m here.”

She lets out a small smile, “And here I thought we were talking.”

“Ok then. I got a makeover so I could hit on your boyfriend,” Rachel’s honesty scares her at times.

“I know.”

“You don’t mind?”

“Like you had a chance.”

“I could get a guy if I wanted.”

“Is that so?”

“Absolutely.”

“So why don’t you want to?”

“Want to what?” Rachel looks puzzled.

“Get a guy.”

For the first time since she’s met her Rachel seems decidedly uncomfortable and that’s saying a lot given Rachel is a girl subjected to regular smack downs and slushie showers. “The one’s I want just don’t want me. Even I deserve better than a creep who gets off on the idea of owning my underwear.”

“Maybe you should try and find someone worthy who’s not in a relationship.”

“All the worthy ones are,” Rachel replies wistfully. “Besides you don’t get to decide who you fall for.”

“You need to look at things differently.”

“Like how?”

“If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with.”

“So says the girl who gets to be with the one that she loves.” In response to Rachel’s words her tears start a new. “That wasn’t meant to upset you.”

“I’m sorry. It just all seems like it’s too much sometimes.”

“Do you want me to go?”

“No. I’d really like it if you stayed.”

“Is there anything I can do?”

“Just don’t talk for a while.”

“Ok.”

“Still talking.”

Rachel looks like she is going to explode, “Can I just say one more thing?”

“No.”

“I was going to offer to guard the door.”

“It’s ok. I’d rather you stay with me.”

Rachel looks ridiculously honoured by her request and Quinn finds the situation almost unbearable. Things are so much easier when she can just pretend that they hate one another. She finds herself making a noise that is close to keening and wants to die of embarrassment. Rachel doesn’t seem disturbed though; in fact she pulls Quinn’s head down into her lap and makes comforting noises.

“I’m not really sure that it’s sanitary for me to be lying here,” she chokes out between sobs.

Rachel’s only response is to whisper, “Shhhh,” and gently stroke Quinn’s hair.

This may not be the way she imagined she would have her head in Rachel’s lap and she may be balancing precariously over two basins but in an imperfect world it is a strangely perfect moment and one she will treasure forever.


End file.
